Thank You Sir, You'll Have Another ...

That can be the only explanation to the news this week that Metro ridership is up 3% in the wake of their fare increases that went into effect on January 6. Whoever is responsible for Metro perhaps ought to think about running for President of the United States. Because somehow, this person has convinced the public that it really is a great deal to pay more for fewer parking places, pay more for the same lousy customer service, pay more for the same unreliable trains, and in some cases, get roughed up (allegedly) by Metro workers! This is the kind of marketing touch that you just can’t find anywhere on Madison Avenue.

Metro officials say it could be that ridership is up because of gas prices. Nevermind the fact that the fare increase in many cases probably outweighs the gas increase from last year to now. But it’s not as if anything has changed. People are still unruly on the trains themselves, inconsiderate, and even abusive in some cases. Then there are deals like yesterday afternoon when I was riding home, and we sat at a station for 5 minutes while the doors to the car opened, closed, opened, closed, opened, closed, opened, closed, opened, closed. This in itself wouldn’t have been all that unnerving, had the automated voice not been going along with it, announcing that the doors were opening, stand back they’re closing, opening, stand back they’re closing, opening, stand back they’re closing, you get the picture. You are probably just as annoyed by simply reading that as I was having to watch it.

And yet, we are paying more for it. And we are doing it happily.

We are a beaten consumer with no heart.

But … at least some of us know how to pay for Metro! (see next post for details)

MDR

Machines and Lines

The American public – you know, the one that is currently going through the state by state process of picking the nominees to be the next President (you know, because the Metro marketer guy probably won’t run) – has become so overwhelmed by the world in which they live that fare card machines have become a source of great befuddlement. Yesterday, I had to stop at one at Union Station to refill my SmartTrip card. I usually do this with Metrochecks (if I have one handy). There are two machines on the one side, and there was one person using each, with one person each behind them. Fine, it’s not like I’m in a hurry to get to work. At about the same time, both folks finish their transactions and move along. That leaves a person at the head of the line for each machine, with me waiting for the one on the left. The woman who was using the one on the right may very well still be there – I forgot to look this morning when I walked past them. She was trying to figure out how she could add change to her card. I think she was trying to add a quarter. Now, I’ve seen people do this before and hey, whatever, if you need a quarter to get to the next stop, you do what you gotta do. Yeah, no … this woman had $121.35 on her SmartTrip card.

And she was trying to add a quarter.

$121.35.

Quarter.

These are the people that the Metro workers should eject from the station. What could you possibly do on Metro that would cost that much, where $121.35 wouldn’t cover it, but $121.60 would? The average Metro fare is what, $3? What good will the extra quarter do? And why does this need to be done in the morning when about 31,000 other people are in the station trying to get on with their day?

Then there was the woman at the machine in front of me. She seemed like she knew what was going on, and she was even pretty. Yeah – didn’t help. Upon putting her money in and doing everything it seemed she needed to do, there then started a long bout of staring at the machine. I thought maybe she was praying (because it doesn’t hurt to do that when you’re about to board public transportation these days). But no, she had either missed her train of thought or her motor stalled. I peaked somewhat over her shoulder and realized that she didn’t know how to get her card that she paid for. So I reached over and hit Button C, which is what you have to hit to get your card. Maybe I should have just said something, and maybe pushing the button for her was embarrassing, I don’t know, but I was kind of afraid she was going to be stuck there for hours and maybe she might die. So in a way, I saved a life. She laughed and was very appreciative. That’s nice. Good deed for the day.

Because it’s more fun, I’m going to blame this whole incident on the fare card machine itself, in retrospect.

MDR

I Think I Met a Terrorist Today ...

I had to run to catch the MARC today, and if you know me and have ever seen me run, you know that wasn’t a pretty sight – but anyway, that meant that there wasn’t exactly the pick of the litter of seats left on the train. But I found a seat on the aisle open, and the dude on the inside seat was working on his laptop. Fine, he’s busy, all I want to do is sleep, it’s all good.

Yeah, no.

I think dude was a terrorist. Not in any way to be stereotypical, and I couldn’t even tell you if his descent anyway – but you know how when they show stories on the news about such and such being blowed up somewhere and then they say, “Government officials believe this man may have been responsible, or an operative,” and they show a guy’s picture from the neck up?

It was this guy!!!

He had a hat, dark glasses, and for all I know, he could have been using the computer to blow up an embassy in Karjackhistan. But that really wasn’t the unsettling part. Well, the sunglasses were. What need you have for sunglasses at 6:30 in the morning on the train when it’s still dark out – because, presumably, that means you had them on when you boarded the train somewhere north of Baltimore, at like 6 in the morning, when, yes, it still would have been dark out – is unknown. Maybe he was using his computer to try and score a night on the town later that will end with him carrying a 12-pack of wine coolers and talking to the guy from “Dateline” on NBC.

No, what really was unnerving about this dude was his gum. Look, I ain’t the brightest person in the world, and I’m sure I have some bad habits. But chewing with my mouth open isn’t one of them. I learned at any early age how to chew gum, dammit. If you can work out the thought processes in your head that are going to signal your brain to say that it’s OK to wear sunglasses at 6 in the morning, then you should have some way of being aware how to chew gum with your mouth closed. Seriously, his chewing was so loud, it trumped the woman sitting behind me talking on her cell phone with a friend about who another friend of theirs slept with last night. Ain’t that some shit?

I didn’t hear his gum chewing as much, though, when, possessing the outside seat, I waited for everyone else to leave the train at Union Station before I went to leave. I don’t think he liked that much.

Course, if he took his computer back out (I wasn’t watching), he also might have blowed up my apartment.

Shit.

MDR

New MARC Schedule: Hit and Miss

As previously discussed here, MARC had announced plans to add new trains in February – including one in the afternoon rush from Washington to Baltimore, and one later train at night for folks who want to have a night on the town in DC and then get home while they are still all inebriated and what not.

That schedule was released yesterday, and goes into effect on February 11. It is, in some ways, a bit of a disappointment. First – the rush hour train was set for 5:10 p.m. to depart Union Station, 10 minutes earlier than the current 5:20 p.m. express that makes no stops between Union Station and BWI, and is woefully overcrowded just about every night. What’s unfortunate, however, is that this new train will do very little, if anything, to relieve the overcrowding on the 5:20 train. The 5:10 will stop at New Carrollton and Seabrook (places the 5:20 doesn’t stop anyway), and then will terminate at Penn Station in Baltimore at 6:01. It won’t even stop at BWI. Nor will it stop at Halethorpe (making it useless to me). Not to mention, since it won’t go past Baltimore, it also doesn’t offer an alternative option for riders who go beyond Penn Station to Edgewood, Aberdeen, and Perryville.

So, all those folks (which make up about 90% of the train most days) are still going to be on the 5:20 train. Hundreds of people exit the train at BWI and Halethorpe, and the train looks like the Ghost Express when it leaves Halethorpe, with many of the folks that are remaining on board headed to points beyond downtown Baltimore. What MARC has basically done is add a train that is useless to the majority of its riders, not to mention adding one more train that can now break down or suffer some other sort of failure right before the 5:20 departs, which will throw off its schedule, as well.

The new late night train leaves Washington at 11:45 p.m. and makes all stops. On the surface, this isn’t bad. I don’t know how many people will use it, but it’s nice to have one additional late-night transit option for getting between DC and Baltimore. However, it still leaves the annoying gap between 8:40 p.m. and 10:45 p.m. during which there is no MARC service northbound. This is what really needs to be addressed. A 9:45 p.m. train would be perfect. There is an Amtrak 10 p.m. regional to BWI, but if you are using one of the smaller stops along the MARC line, this does you no good (and it costs $12 one way, last I checked).

There was no announcement about weekend service, which is something I think that is sorely needed, even if it’s only a couple trains a day to start. But that also requires additional funding and such. We should see this in the near future since the Maryland General Assembly passed a bill yesterday that taxes breathing in the state.

OK, that’s not true. But I wouldn’t be surprised.

Quickies

* When walking to a set of the machines you show your pass/insert your card to in order to ride or exit Metro, and you are headed for one, don’t suddenly decide at the last minute you are going to use the one I’m going to instead, forcing me to stop and wait for your sorry ass. This has happened 3 times this week, and the next time it happens, I’monna trip ya.

* Dude, when you are on the MARC, and your stop is up next, you don’t need to be right by the door of the train to get out. It will give you plenty of time to exit. But when you are a jackass that not only stands in the doorway, but has two bags with you and puts the bags down in front of you, thus taking up the entire aisle – don’t get bitchy when someone comes along and accidentally (perhaps) kicks one of your bags into the middle of next week because you didn’t give them any room to get by.

* IPod chick on the Metro this morning – not only was your music on your headphones way too loud … it really, really sucked.

MDR

Metro's New Stuff

So the other day, Metro put a note on its web site talking about the next design of subway cars they are looking at having constructed. These would be the 7-series, or all cars numbers in the 7000s. The 1000s were the old original crappy ones that are still out there breaking down all over the place.

You can see the article here ... http://www.wmata.com/about/met_news/story.cfm?ID=1655 ... They are supposed to be sleek and silver on the outside and feature ergonomic seats on the inside. Oh ... sleek and silver, catchy. The cars would only have 64 seats and there would be no more carpeting on the floor. The first thing that strikes me about this is it seems apparent that Metro doesn't actually want you to sit down. I'm not for certain, but I'm pretty sure 64 seats is less than what is currently offered, and as anyone who has ever ridden the crowded trains knows, it's when everyone is crushed in standing that people get hit with a severe case of the stupid. Or they crowd the doors, or they run over people, etc. It seems like the new cars give people more room to fight their battles by the doors. How nice.

Some of the new cars are supposed to have bench seating, as well. I can't wait to see how that goes over. People battling over a bleacher seat by the door on a crowded rush hour commute is just going to be beautiful to watch. Or, people putting their fat butts in one part of the bench, their bag in another, their purse in another, etc., when other folks need to sit down (elderly, disabled, etc.). Or people on the bleacher seats being thrown forward or backward or sideways and into other people, starting a big old fight when the car comes to a sudden stop and/or lurches forward, since about half the drivers on these things appear unable to stop or start or train without it stuttering forward or backward several times at every station.

In addition, Metro says: "There would be interactive, linear maps automated announcements stating the station names the trains are servicing and security cameras on all rail cars."

Forget the grammar thing - but just think, this is what your fare increase is going to. New flashy maps and cars where no one can get a seat.

But think of it another way ... what Metro hasn't told you is the following:

1) How they are going to keep their trains from breaking down,
2) How they are going to address the "door" and "smoke" problems that they haven't fixed, and
3) How they are going to actually make it so their trains are on time.

The fare increase to do all those things is probably coming later this year.

I mean, seriously, this is crazy

Anyone who is signed up to the special service that previews what I'm going to write about late at night knows today's offerings don't feature much originality.

Without further of the adieu, let's geaux.

1. Ignorant-ass mother fucking people
* Look, nevermind the people that get into one car on the MARC train via the stairs, then walk into the other, cutting off the people getting up those stairs. It's an asshole move, but everyone does it so whatever. ... But when you get into a train, and you see seats are open not near anyone else - take one, sit down, shut up. OK, that's a little cruel, but here's what you don't do, you don't crawl over 2 other people to get to a crowded seat, along the way getting close enough to one of those people that you might be legally married in Arkansas. I'm not interested in being that close to you, and the next time you do it, I'm gonna bust a knee cap in your jigglies. That'll cool your jets. Not to mention the fact that when you do sit down, the dude next to you has no room, because you insist on carrying your bag in your lap, which means your arms have to be at your sides, which means you elbows are going into the other dude's ribs while he's trying to catch a few minutes of sleep. There's nothing in your bag that important, save for maybe your Dungeons & Dragons charts and the lunch Mom packed. Your desire to be that close to people that early in the morning is annoying, and frankly, frightening.

2. Ignorant-ass mother fucking people
* But all that said, dude looked like a saint once we got to Odenton and a whole new crop of valedictorians got on the train. For this portion of the entry, I give you the long-awaited return of Army Woman! All dressed in the normal uniform, she was back in normal form today, her ankle looking none the worse for wear. She was off on another run, talking about her kids and God knows what else, and the person she was talking to wasn't even in her row! And of course, she was at the top of the stairs, so, in theory, the whole train could have heard her talking about her daughter getting new pants at TJ Maxx ... except:

3. Ignorant-ass mother fucking people
* She was completely muted just about by a trio of gossip machines that stood in the middle of the aisle next to where me, sleeping dude, unknown woman and space invader were sitting. These three were talking about everything and anything with little regard for humanity. The ring leader of the deal started by talking about some guy who wouldn't give her the time of day or something, wrapping it up with the rhyme, "I don't care if I don't catch his eye, I'm still pretty fly." Not to dispute the point too much, but let's put it this way ... if her backside was any wider, it would have been dark blue with COWBOYS written across it in silver and Terrell Owens would have been dancing into it. She was anything but fly. But she had more material on this day .... between Bowie State and New Carrollton, she informed us about this couple she saw at Wal-Mart - who she apparently didn't know from Adam, Eve, Tootie, Jo, or Natalie. Anyway, apparently the couple were having a discussion about one buying something for the other or what have you, really not something where outside opinions are necessary - so of course the crux of the story was about Fly Cowboys Butt Girl giving them her opinion and dressing down the guy for whatever reason. She then went on to share with all the train residents about how bad the guy's teeth were, like some of them were sideways and some of them were gone and they all kind of pointed the wrong direction.

So yeah, this is what I want to hear at 7 in the morning.

But it got better! Remember the point earlier about there being plenty of good seats available? Well, this was still the case at this point, and when Conductor Spivey (that's his name, that's not a joke) came along to collect/inspect tickets, he made mention to the Gossip Girls that they could go sit down - and they all said no! "We wanna stand here." ... "and annoy the shit out of all these other people, even space invader guy." OK, I added the last part, but you get my drift. Worse yet, they were right in front of the stairwell, and wouldn't move out of the way for Conductor Spivey to get through. He's trying to navigate the gossip gauntlet and I said, "These people don't make life easy for you, do they?" ... "No, they surely don't," he responded with a shake of the head.

An individual person can be brilliant. smart, whatever. People are intellectually deficient morons. It's one thing if you want to annoy me while I'm trying to get to work in the morning - but when you are going out of your way to fuck with the people whose whole job is to walk through the train collecting tickets hour after hour, day after day, then you might as well turn in your humanity card to the front office in Accident, Maryland, and leave the Earth for good. It's just stupid. Why make that dude's life harder because your fly fat ass is too lazy to find a seat?

Sorry.

This post wasn't very funny.

But people really showed in a lot of ways just how classless and stupid they can be today - and they deserve to be called out for it.

I may not like a lot of my life, and I ain't perfect (far from it) ... but I'm glad I'm me and not them.

Happy New Year!!!

MDR

PS: I hope you enjoy the last.fm widget that I've added. I'll be changing the key band from time to time (as it is, the first song will always be a Gin Blossoms song), but we'll keep it around if people dig it. I think it's a nice addition and it was easy, so that's key.

Happy Holidays, Knuckleheads

I haven't been on the trains much with the holidays and all going by and such, but the last couple days, as usual, brought no shortage of material. I seriously don't know what goes through these people's heads, but here we go.

1) Seriously, I was just trying to help

* So I exit the train at Halethorpe Wednesday night like usual, and it's dark, and it's windy, and it's cold. If you are not familiar with this station on the MARC system, there are no platforms. When you exit a northbound train, you have to climb 48 stairs to an overhead road bridge, then go down 48 stairs on the other side to get to the parking lot. It's not at all handicap accessible, but that's a story for another day. Anyhow, I was walking down those stairs last night thinking to myself how I might want to get my next monthly pass for BWI rail station instead, so I wouldn't have to deal with these stupid stairs. They aren't really safe, especially this time of year when there can be ice involved and what not, not to mention Halethorpe is a busy stop, so you have 250-300 people on the staircases at any one time.

Well, no sooner did all these thoughts go through my head than the young woman in front of me go ass over heels headed down the stairs. In grabbing the railing, she damn near threw herself over the side, dangerously close to power lines and a 20-foot drop. She collected herself enough to avoid that unhappy ending - but she crumpled to the cement in a ball of pain. I did what anyone would do, I hope, and stopped and asked if she was OK. She said yes, then said no (like one of my dates). Meanwhile, every other cocksucking prick in the crowd kept on walking. Oh, why stop and help, you know it's cold. Fucking losers.

Anyway, she tried to stand up and I offered to wait to make sure she could clear the 24 remaining stairs. She got ready to walk, I figure everything's fine, story over. Till she can't walk. She busted up her knee pretty bad apparently. So, we've made the point clear now that she was in worse shape than she thought, right? Smart people, when that happens, ask for help. Instead, she refused. It was kind of against my nature to just leave her there by herself in that weather and such, but I did. I guess she got down eventually - she wasn't there this morning. But it just struck me as odd. And it kind of reaffirmed my own personal belief that I probably come across as creepy. If I came across as normal, she would have been more willing to get help. As it was, I was probably just some crudhead in a funny green jacket. Whatever.

Oh well. I hope her knee wasn't hurt too bad. No one fell today. But someday, mix in a little ice and such, and them stairs are gonna kill somebody.

2) Metro Metrics

* OK, so if you're not kind of geeky like me, you might not enjoy this part of the entry very much. Hell, the Russian judge only gave it a four (it's a good thing I guess that he didn't try to poison me, but anyway). I have mentioned before about the "Service Disruptions" page on Metro's web site (http://www.wmata.com). There, you can read about current issues on the system (if they bother to tell you about them, which they don't necessarily), or you can go back to prior dates and read a recap of all the things that got screwed up over the course of a particular day.

Well, with the new year, I've decided that I'm going to track these. This is what my life has become ladies and gentlemen - spending free time tracking subway fuck ups. But, I think it's for a good cause. Metro trains are delayed or terminated for all sorts of reasons - door problems, smoke on the tracks, "equipment malfunctions" (they have pills for that, you know), brake problems, etc. That came to mind this morning at I think it was the Van Ness/UDC station, when we were ordered off our red line train just short of 8:00. This didn't come as a surprise, as for about 5 stops before that, there was a Metro employee going apeshit in various cars looking for something under the seats. Dude was actually pulling seats up out of the floor to look for something. Maybe it was a bomb, maybe it was a dog, maybe something else was up. I did overhear a radio transmission about the driver seeing a "flash," but that could be anything. I was actually kind of relieved that we were ejected from the train for a "mechanical problem." If that's their story, hey that's great.

But we're gonna track it anyway. And we'll keep you updated here so you know that when you aren't reading stories any more about smoke problems on the track - yes it's still happening. We'll show you the results at the end of each month.

I blog about trains, and dammit, I owe you my best.

3) There is no 3. It was going to be the part about the "flash" on my train, but I covered that already.

So, I'll just tell you that I expect this to be a great new year of train blogging. That's somewhat unfortunate in a way, given the crap I have to go through every day that ends up being the material for this blog - but I'm willing to go the extra mile for you, the reader.

Signed,
MDR

PS: I know what you're thinking, and no, I didn't trip the young woman in order to make a blog post out of it.