A Bunch of Stuff ...

A lot of things to hit tonight, so let's roll ...

1. America is Deaf!!!

I have seen, or rather should I say heard, the proof of this. Look, I understand the desire to have music with you when riding public transportation. It's pretty likely that you don't want to listen to the asshole stranger next to you fart or blow his nose or talk about taxes in Quebec, whatever.

However, the effect of this is pretty much canceled out when you, Ms. MARC person or Mr. Metro rider, play your music on your iPod or whatever you have so loud that the rest of the train can hear it. And what the fuck, most of the time, y'all are playing some shit music! The woman next to me on Tuesday morning on the MARC seemed nice enough, but when she played some artist who may as well have gone by the stage name "Whiny ass white dude," well you don't really have to wonder why the rest of us thought you were crazy. I'm sure you are nice. But I worry about your mental state listening to the weird stuff you had playing.

America must be deaf. That must be the only reason why y'all play your music that damn loud.

So, I'monna get you back. I'monna download a bunch of Conway Twitty, then play it at full volume at about 6:40 a.m. on the MARC. It will be enough to drown out your crappy tunes and pretty much annoy everyone.

Revenge is sweet.

2. MARC ... the Yugo of Trains

I really wonder sometimes if the trains used by MARC are really any different than that beat up old Lionel train set your grandpop had when you were a kid that was all set up under the Christmas tree and then is ruined when Uncle Bobby has too much egg nog and does a face plant right in the middle of the display just before dinner.

This week, it seems like every train they have is breaking down. There were 2 or 3 today and thankfully I drove. But the e-mail alerts that the Maryland Transit Administration sends out are comical. They aren't even in English - it's a combo of drunkenese and textese, and they show up in your e-mail account about an hour after what ever incident has occurred and already screwed everything up.

Some day, one of the MARC locomotives is just going to fall apart in 1,074 pieces as it leaves Union Station. ... Just like Grandpop's model display after Hurricane Bobby.

3. Metro Driver from the Good Side of Hell

I have found my favorite Metro driver. On a crowded red line train Tuesday, the dude driving was sick and tired of people's analytical shit apparently. At the various stops, as people tried to crowd into the train, our hero would take the mic and yell: "STAND BACK!!! THIS TRAIN IS FULL! WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE!"

And he was right, the next train was only 2 minutes behind. But 2 minutes is too much for most fucking people - God help them if they are delayed two more minutes in getting home to what remains of their crappy lives. No, they'd rather push through a door and then bitch and moan when their bag gets stuck in the door, or they get the train and their bag doesn't, which is awesome. It's no wonder Metro reports so many door problems. The doors are fine (except Jim Morrison, he's dead), it's the people that should be taken out of service. I was glad to see a driver not take any crap from them.

4. We've Outgrown Public Transportation

I'll start this off with a disclaimer. Look, I'm a little bigger than I need to be. I'm not an offensive lineman or nothing, but I look about 4 months along if you catch my drift. And hey, like Peyton Manning says, if you are over the age of 23 and not a football player, you may as well just buy bigger shirts.

But look here - I don't write this to mock our portly mass transit friends. As a country, we have an obesity problem, and it's gonna kill more of us quicker than terrorists or Mist or zombies or the lack of promotion/relegation in MLS.

However, I bring this up because there is a serious problem with public transportation. IT WASN'T MADE FOR BIG PEOPLE! Those that are big and big in the saddle were left out of consideration 30-40 years ago when most of the modes of public transportation were constructed. And hey, I get it. We weren't as fat back then. But now? We loves our McDonald's and our steaks and all that. And hey, I do too. I'm not innocent in this, and I'm not poking fun at anyone. But it's a sad fact of life that we have outgrown our means of public transportation when you have, for example, the single-decker cars on the MARC with the 2-aisle-3 setup of seats. Invariably, when the train is packed, you are going to have a 3-seat set where some unfortunate person (like me on Monday), gets crushed by someone in the middle who, if you put them in a football jersey, would be the whole 3-4 defense. It's not their fault - they gotta sit somewhere. But you are pretty much playing Buffet Roulette when you get on a train now as to whether you will be able to breathe for the next 35 minutes or not. And hey, other people have probably thought that when I sit next to them, so again, I ain't picking on no one. But it's true, and we as a nation ain't gonna get no thinner, so I don't know how you solve the problem.

Be careful, rail warriors.

MDR

PS: OK, actually, now that I think about it ... I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.