Time Flies, But People are Still Stupid

OK, so it's been a couple weeks. I was off for a couple days, drove another couple, so I haven't been on the trains and subways of Washington, D.C., and suburban Maryland much lately. But fear not, I got stuff to talk about.

There's lots to get to and lots of people to call out, so instead of letters, we're gonna hit him up with a cascade of bullets ...

• Old People are Stupid: Last Thursday, me and some friends (blog readers, as well!) attended the Georgetown-Michigan basketball game at Verizon Center. After the game, I had to catch the Red Line back to work where my car was parked. This meant leaving from the Gallery Place Metro that is underneath the arena. Now, hundreds of other people were trying to do the same thing, so the platform was crowded - mostly with Georgetown students. Now, these are Georgetown students, mind you, so they should be pretty smart. And to their credit, they all handled the situation very well, even if not all of them were sober. However, there were two older gentlemen in different parts of the crowd that must have been late for a big Matlock date. When the train showed up and the doors opened, they began trying to shove their way through the mass of people to get to the train. This left the college kids legitimately wondering, "What the Fuck," and led me to blurt out ... "the more you push me, the slower I'll go. And I'm fat, so I know how to go slow." Perhaps I should work as a comedian on college campuses, because I hit the jackpot with the Georgetown kids with that line. It also didn't hurt I guess that I was wearing a Georgetown hat. The old folks really didn't say anything, but the pushing and shoving stopped. Fucking asshats. People don't get smarter with age, folks, they just find more creative ways to piss the rest of us off.
• Reading is Fundamental: To the book reader on the MARC this morning that decided she had to sit next to me. Look, if you really need the middle seat in those 3-2 seating arrangements MARC has on their single-decker cars - hey, that's fine. I would never take that seat, trying to plunk my fat ass down between two asshole strangers who don't want me there, but hey you want to sit, I get the point. What I didn't need was the point of your elbow in my side for the last 20 miles of my trip to Union Station this morning - being drilled deeper into my side every time you turned the page of your fake little romance novel. Here, let me sum it up for you. The woman doesn't get the guy. The guy goes to jail for banging a Thai prostitute, little Jimmy doesn't really like girls, the puppy runs away, and the pet chimp dies when he gets his hand caught in the coffee maker. There. There's your fucking book. Just as much of a clusterfuck as a Columbus Crew playoff game. So see? You didn't even need to be reading it. I just saved you the time. So tomorrow, you can pick another seat and just sit there, and not try and remove my spleen by turning pages. I really don't think you are licensed for such medical work.
  
• 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Diet Pepsis ... : So I missed my 6:43 train this morning, which meant I had to wait until 7:13. I was thirsty and there is a vending machine at the stop I go to in the mornings. For $1, you can get one of those 20-ounce Diet Pepsi bottles. Apparently it's Christmas or whatever holiday bottles of Pepsi celebrate, because when I put in my dollar and hit the button, it gave me two bottles. There's really no joke here, I just thought it was cool. And what the fuck exactly is a French hen?
  
• The Real Drew Carey Would've Scored: A while back on the way home, it was one of those crowded days on the 5:20 train and with 25 minutes before the first stop, conversations are sure to spark up in some parts of the train. On this day, one of the standing-in-the-aisle people was a dead ringer for Drew Carey. He had the funny head, the glasses, the voice, the works. Oh yeah, he didn't have the sense of humor. See, if you look like Drew Carey, but you are funny like Drew Carey, you are gonna score. Some women will sleep with guys if the guy makes them laugh - even if they aren't great looking. Hell, I know, how else could I possibly get laid? That said, if you look like Drew Carey (or me), and you have no sense of humor at all? Yeah, no soup (so to speak) for you. It was almost painful to watch really, as the Bizarro Carey worked his magic in the aisle on a woman that I guess he knew who was sitting in one of the seats. She tried to exit the conversation more times than me on the Jersey Turnpike looking for a pizza place (few of you are gonna get that joke, but that's OK). Bizarro Carey was the only one on the train who didn't realize that his grand plan wasn't working. The woman got off (exited, not what you are thinking) at BWI, and Bizarro Carey stood there with a weird smile on his face as if to say, "Yeah, I got somewhere. Next week I'll get her number." Sorry, bud, I've been there before. No. No you won't. This isn't the script where the sexy brunette has to talk to you because it's in her contract. This was you striking out more than Mo Vaughn.
  
• And Another Thing: There was a dude today who I don't think was a MARC regular who was standing in the aisle next to my seat on the 5:20 coming home. He had some big-ass man purse (that's not a euphemism for the size of his ass or anything, I mean he had a big-ass man purse) that was swinging at his side. And it kept flying into my seat's air space. I don't like that shit. But I didn't want to say anything - because let's be honest here people, if I handled every situation with politeness and tact, then there'd be nothing to write about here and I couldn't try and entertain y'all. So what good that do? Anyway, I decided that I would use my arm as sort of a fence to my seat's air space. And every time the dude's man purse started flying toward my space, it would hit my hand and I would push it back, which would cause him to lose his balance while the train was moving 100 mph, and he would have to struggle to keep his feet. The funny part was, I don't think he ever realized what was causing it. A couple minutes later, the man purse would come flying back again, I would push it the other way, dude would go flying. In retrospect, I should have tripped him, too.
  

Meanwhile, Metro still has door problems, and MARC is still overcrowded. Given that Thursday is Thanksgiving, I am thankful for these things - because it allows me to see people at their worst, and it gives me something to write about when I get home.

Stay safe, rail warriors.

Signed,
MDR