Never Fear - Freaks are Here

I knew it couldn't last. I knew one day of boredom and responsible travel on the MARC and the Metro wouldn't carry over into another.

So no waiting, let's move forward (because the highlights are better) ...

---

Dear Comedy Troop on the MARC Train,

Not everything I write and intend to be funny is actually funny. But my laughs per at-bat ratio is pretty high. I do the best I can with the material I get. I write what I see, and I don't tell many jokes.

Because, as you proved this morning with your Evening at the Improv performance, sometimes jokes ain't funny, bro. But actually, I need to rewind a bit, because I also should point out that I didn't need to hear your complete dental history in a 2-stop stretch. I mean, I'm sorry for whatever teeth ailments have befallen you, but at 6:40 in the morning - I don't want to hear about periodontal scraping - and judging by the faces the other folks in our part of the train were making as you were talking about this - well, let's just say I'm the voice of the people, buddy. Did you know that Army Woman has Broken Tooth Syndrome? Yeah. Maybe you two can hook up. But remember, she has the bum ankle, so no real freaky stuff.

But then there were jokes. Oh my goodness. First the one about the four husbands who wanted to play golf on Christmas morning. Look, somewhere, in a VFW in Harford County, that joke's probably funny. It really is pretty much the same joke that middle-aged golfers tell their middle-aged golfing buddies while they try and figure out why the vacuum cleaner they got their wives for their 17th anniversary didn't turn out to be such a great idea. And, I mean, let's be real, you could've stopped with that one. But then there was the one about the monsignor and the hole-in-one. The last time I heard silence like that after you delivered the punchline was when Don Zimmer decided to pitch to Will Clark with the bases loaded in the '89 NLCS - and all of Wrigley Field thought to themselves silently - "What the fuck?"

You'll forgive me if I didn't go running to call an agent for you. You won't be getting a series any time soon. Stick with whatever you're good at in life. You don't bring the funny.

Signed,
Marc D. Rider

----------

Dear Snot Guy on the Metro,

You know, I waffled on whether to even bring this one up. Because you may be very sick, and I don't want to make fun of that - being sick myself sometimes. But listen ... I'monna dish you the 411 here quick. BLOW YOUR NOSE!!! It's OK. It's OK to blow your nose in public. It's gross sounding for a second, but everyone around you knows you're doing the right thing, and you get a pass.

Here's what not to do. Don't stand in the middle of the train huffing snotmonsters to the back of your head like clockwork every time the train goes by one of those blue emergency phone lights every 800 feet or so. I seriously thought at one point your head was going to explode. Stay home from work! Watch TV! Read! Do something. Take a sick day, bro. But seriously, I'monna get your handkerchief for Christmas - please use it. It's OK to blow your nose in public if you have such an accessory. We'll understand.

If your head explodes in such a confined space, however, well, that's not so easy to clean up.

Signed,
Marc D. Rider

--

Dear Prep School Kids on the MARC Train,

I really wanted to put a post up about y'all's performance on the afternoon train today. When you got on board, unable to find seats, and stood near where I was, all wearing khakis and blue sweaters, I thought I had died and my own personal hell was going to be being stuck in the making of New Kids on the Block reunion video. I mean, you really had it all, the clothes, the annoying voice that had to project not only across the entire train, but really all of Howard County - the "we can get away with anything" attitude, and calling your teacher a Metrosexual was quite a jab.

But other than the one dude who kept trying to suck the remainder of his milk shake or whatever it was down his throat for about a minute - I gotta say, you didn't do too much to earn your way here. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that you didn't live up to expectations. I mean, it could have been worse. Much worse.

So good luck on your flight from BWI to Preppyworld. Hopefully the folks on the flight end up being marginally OK with y'all being around (not that I'd sign up for it again, mind you).

Signed,
Marc D. Rider

---

AND FINALLY!!! (busy day)

Dear Dude Dressed up as The Joker on the Metro,

Dude ... what?

I know tomorrow is Halloween - but can I just tell you, you were going for the Joker look - yeah, you missed. Not like Tiger lipping out a 25-foot putt kind of missed ... I mean like Brant Brown dropping that fly ball vs. Milwaukee in the '98 divisional race to cost the Cubs a game kind of missed.

You were downright scary. You should have dressed up as like the bad guy for "Saw 6" or something, and it would have been less scary. There are little kids throughout the Metro system who are going to have nightmares tonight, and I feel for them. Poor kids. I've never seen so many people approach a Metro car only to see someone on it and all turn away. Maybe you're a decent person, I don't know, you probably are. And who doesn't like to dress up for Halloween.

But just give everybody a little bit of a warning next time, OK pal?

Signed,
Marc D. Rider