So, there wasn't much to write about today in my commute - nobody really went out of their way to appear in lights and become famous, so I want to take tonight's entry to address something else.
That being the plans of MARC for expansion over the next several years. Contrasted to that of Metro.
First, you can read the MARC plan for yourself right here:
http://www.mtamaryland.com/marcsummary2.pdf
The key points are (related to the Penn Line, since that's the one I use) are that within 9 months, they plan to add another mid-day train, another evening train, and weekend service. They are also going to try and find ways to secure more seating since trains are "running at more than capacity in peak times."
Ya think?
Folks, if you've never ridden a MARC train in a peak time/route - meaning the ones early in the morning and the 5:20 train that are Express routes - well I can't say that you are missing out on all the fun (hell, you can read about it here). These trains aren't just overcrowded. They are crammed with every Tom, Dick, Harry, and Sabrina - standing in the aisles, standing in the stairwells, standing 2 deep behind seats in the common areas in the double-decker cars ... it's ridiculous really. And it's what causes all the material that you get to read here - because when you have that many people crammed into that kind of space, you're going to get comedy.
Although, I should say that it's not all funny. There was one dude tonight who faked an attempt at kicking someone else who was standing in/near the stairwell. Yeah, that was smart.
Anyway, the question of course is where the money for this is going to come from. MARC has to work out deals with Amtrak/CSX, etc., because of the track usage and all that. It's also been said in the past that MARC doesn't have the money to purchase new equipment, which would be necessary to add cars to certain trains or add routes - so they stated in their plan that they have to find a quick temporary plan to add infrastructure in terms of trains. There's no certainty over how they are going to do that.
But what I like about the plan I linked to above is they give you a pretty detailed plan of what they are going to do, how they are going to do it, and their goals for when they are going to have it done. It's very ambitious. I'm sure they aren't going to get 100% of it done, but I have faith that we are going to see changes. And let me tell you, the weekend service would be straight cash, homey.
Now, contrast that to the 10 Ewoks and wookiee that run Metro.
As you may be aware if you live in the Washington/Baltimore Gigaplex, Metro is trying to shove fare increases down our throats. They say they need to maintain their level of service for their customers and more money will do that.
Metro's level of service sucks! Outside of the occasional station manager who is helpful - and one was once when I fell ill at a station late one night - the system is a joke right now. Trains during peak times are embarrassingly overcrowded, to the point where people are hostile to each other over finding a simple spot to stand in. And forget guys offering their seats to ladies in a crowded car. I will, but for most, it's gone out the window. And guys ... 95% of the time, the woman isn't going to take the seat. But you're a good guy if you're offer - it's the right thing to do. Trust me on this one.
Anyway ... one of the main sticking points of the fare increases (which in and of themselves aren't horrible) is a $1.15 jump in parking fees - COMBINED with a reduction of thousands of general parking places that are going to be made into reserve spots. So basically, Metro is going to charge you more for less of a chance to park. I guess from a supply and demand standpoint, maybe it makes sense, but it seems more like a slap in the face to me. Not to mention - there's no reason to believe that the fare increase is going to change anything. Nothing's changed before when fares went up.
Case in point ... you may remember a few weeks ago when a series of "smoke" and "fire" incidents broke out on various lines of the Metro system. They never did figure it out. Their story was that a lightning strike hit a substation and that caused all the issues, blah blah blah. The media was all over it, the Metro Ewoks said they would fix it, and all was forgotten.
Do yourself a favor. Go to Metro's web site: www.wmata.com ... and click on "Alerts and Advisories" on the left. Then in the middle, click "Metrorail Service Disruption Report" and click "Yesterday's Service" after that. You can see the disruption reports for whatever day you wish (it usually lags a few days behind, sometimes not). Anyway, go through them. You're going to find two things:
1) As we've mentioned here before, Metro trains suffer an inordinate amount of "door" problems. Knock on wood, I've never experienced one of these door problems - but it's getting to epidemic proportions and given that it keeps happening day after day, multiple times every day, you have to wonder what Metro is doing about it.
2) The smoke problems haven't gone away. Now, they aren't coming along fast and furious like they were for a couple nights there, where they were popping up simultaneously at different lines and stations, but they are still happening. And nobody is checking Metro on it. Not the news media, no one. They haven't fixed the problem. It's only a matter of time before it fires up again on a more serious level (pun intended).
Look, I take Metro every day. I don't want it to be fucked up. And if I had any confidence that the whatevers that run it could fix the problems through an infusion of cash by me paying more to park and ride, I'd live with that. I'm not anti tax or anti fee totally, but if I'm going to be paying more, you better damn sure get the job done and your service better be top notch. There's nothing about Metro that inspires any confidence in me (and probably a lot of other people) that this is going to be the case.
Many folks in Washington are scared that Metro is going to be the target in the next big terrorist attack in this country. I bet it isn't. I bet it's one of these little ongoing, daily issues that's going to crop up and really cause some sort of horrible situation.
And unlike MARC, whose changes I think are worth believing in - I have no confidence that the Ewoks and Wookiee throwing any kind of additional money at things is going to make any difference.
Ride wisely, folks.
And keep your eyes open.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Never Fear - Freaks are Here
I knew it couldn't last. I knew one day of boredom and responsible travel on the MARC and the Metro wouldn't carry over into another.
So no waiting, let's move forward (because the highlights are better) ...
---
Dear Comedy Troop on the MARC Train,
Not everything I write and intend to be funny is actually funny. But my laughs per at-bat ratio is pretty high. I do the best I can with the material I get. I write what I see, and I don't tell many jokes.
Because, as you proved this morning with your Evening at the Improv performance, sometimes jokes ain't funny, bro. But actually, I need to rewind a bit, because I also should point out that I didn't need to hear your complete dental history in a 2-stop stretch. I mean, I'm sorry for whatever teeth ailments have befallen you, but at 6:40 in the morning - I don't want to hear about periodontal scraping - and judging by the faces the other folks in our part of the train were making as you were talking about this - well, let's just say I'm the voice of the people, buddy. Did you know that Army Woman has Broken Tooth Syndrome? Yeah. Maybe you two can hook up. But remember, she has the bum ankle, so no real freaky stuff.
But then there were jokes. Oh my goodness. First the one about the four husbands who wanted to play golf on Christmas morning. Look, somewhere, in a VFW in Harford County, that joke's probably funny. It really is pretty much the same joke that middle-aged golfers tell their middle-aged golfing buddies while they try and figure out why the vacuum cleaner they got their wives for their 17th anniversary didn't turn out to be such a great idea. And, I mean, let's be real, you could've stopped with that one. But then there was the one about the monsignor and the hole-in-one. The last time I heard silence like that after you delivered the punchline was when Don Zimmer decided to pitch to Will Clark with the bases loaded in the '89 NLCS - and all of Wrigley Field thought to themselves silently - "What the fuck?"
You'll forgive me if I didn't go running to call an agent for you. You won't be getting a series any time soon. Stick with whatever you're good at in life. You don't bring the funny.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
----------
Dear Snot Guy on the Metro,
You know, I waffled on whether to even bring this one up. Because you may be very sick, and I don't want to make fun of that - being sick myself sometimes. But listen ... I'monna dish you the 411 here quick. BLOW YOUR NOSE!!! It's OK. It's OK to blow your nose in public. It's gross sounding for a second, but everyone around you knows you're doing the right thing, and you get a pass.
Here's what not to do. Don't stand in the middle of the train huffing snotmonsters to the back of your head like clockwork every time the train goes by one of those blue emergency phone lights every 800 feet or so. I seriously thought at one point your head was going to explode. Stay home from work! Watch TV! Read! Do something. Take a sick day, bro. But seriously, I'monna get your handkerchief for Christmas - please use it. It's OK to blow your nose in public if you have such an accessory. We'll understand.
If your head explodes in such a confined space, however, well, that's not so easy to clean up.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
--
Dear Prep School Kids on the MARC Train,
I really wanted to put a post up about y'all's performance on the afternoon train today. When you got on board, unable to find seats, and stood near where I was, all wearing khakis and blue sweaters, I thought I had died and my own personal hell was going to be being stuck in the making of New Kids on the Block reunion video. I mean, you really had it all, the clothes, the annoying voice that had to project not only across the entire train, but really all of Howard County - the "we can get away with anything" attitude, and calling your teacher a Metrosexual was quite a jab.
But other than the one dude who kept trying to suck the remainder of his milk shake or whatever it was down his throat for about a minute - I gotta say, you didn't do too much to earn your way here. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that you didn't live up to expectations. I mean, it could have been worse. Much worse.
So good luck on your flight from BWI to Preppyworld. Hopefully the folks on the flight end up being marginally OK with y'all being around (not that I'd sign up for it again, mind you).
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
---
AND FINALLY!!! (busy day)
Dear Dude Dressed up as The Joker on the Metro,
Dude ... what?
I know tomorrow is Halloween - but can I just tell you, you were going for the Joker look - yeah, you missed. Not like Tiger lipping out a 25-foot putt kind of missed ... I mean like Brant Brown dropping that fly ball vs. Milwaukee in the '98 divisional race to cost the Cubs a game kind of missed.
You were downright scary. You should have dressed up as like the bad guy for "Saw 6" or something, and it would have been less scary. There are little kids throughout the Metro system who are going to have nightmares tonight, and I feel for them. Poor kids. I've never seen so many people approach a Metro car only to see someone on it and all turn away. Maybe you're a decent person, I don't know, you probably are. And who doesn't like to dress up for Halloween.
But just give everybody a little bit of a warning next time, OK pal?
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
So no waiting, let's move forward (because the highlights are better) ...
---
Dear Comedy Troop on the MARC Train,
Not everything I write and intend to be funny is actually funny. But my laughs per at-bat ratio is pretty high. I do the best I can with the material I get. I write what I see, and I don't tell many jokes.
Because, as you proved this morning with your Evening at the Improv performance, sometimes jokes ain't funny, bro. But actually, I need to rewind a bit, because I also should point out that I didn't need to hear your complete dental history in a 2-stop stretch. I mean, I'm sorry for whatever teeth ailments have befallen you, but at 6:40 in the morning - I don't want to hear about periodontal scraping - and judging by the faces the other folks in our part of the train were making as you were talking about this - well, let's just say I'm the voice of the people, buddy. Did you know that Army Woman has Broken Tooth Syndrome? Yeah. Maybe you two can hook up. But remember, she has the bum ankle, so no real freaky stuff.
But then there were jokes. Oh my goodness. First the one about the four husbands who wanted to play golf on Christmas morning. Look, somewhere, in a VFW in Harford County, that joke's probably funny. It really is pretty much the same joke that middle-aged golfers tell their middle-aged golfing buddies while they try and figure out why the vacuum cleaner they got their wives for their 17th anniversary didn't turn out to be such a great idea. And, I mean, let's be real, you could've stopped with that one. But then there was the one about the monsignor and the hole-in-one. The last time I heard silence like that after you delivered the punchline was when Don Zimmer decided to pitch to Will Clark with the bases loaded in the '89 NLCS - and all of Wrigley Field thought to themselves silently - "What the fuck?"
You'll forgive me if I didn't go running to call an agent for you. You won't be getting a series any time soon. Stick with whatever you're good at in life. You don't bring the funny.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
----------
Dear Snot Guy on the Metro,
You know, I waffled on whether to even bring this one up. Because you may be very sick, and I don't want to make fun of that - being sick myself sometimes. But listen ... I'monna dish you the 411 here quick. BLOW YOUR NOSE!!! It's OK. It's OK to blow your nose in public. It's gross sounding for a second, but everyone around you knows you're doing the right thing, and you get a pass.
Here's what not to do. Don't stand in the middle of the train huffing snotmonsters to the back of your head like clockwork every time the train goes by one of those blue emergency phone lights every 800 feet or so. I seriously thought at one point your head was going to explode. Stay home from work! Watch TV! Read! Do something. Take a sick day, bro. But seriously, I'monna get your handkerchief for Christmas - please use it. It's OK to blow your nose in public if you have such an accessory. We'll understand.
If your head explodes in such a confined space, however, well, that's not so easy to clean up.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
--
Dear Prep School Kids on the MARC Train,
I really wanted to put a post up about y'all's performance on the afternoon train today. When you got on board, unable to find seats, and stood near where I was, all wearing khakis and blue sweaters, I thought I had died and my own personal hell was going to be being stuck in the making of New Kids on the Block reunion video. I mean, you really had it all, the clothes, the annoying voice that had to project not only across the entire train, but really all of Howard County - the "we can get away with anything" attitude, and calling your teacher a Metrosexual was quite a jab.
But other than the one dude who kept trying to suck the remainder of his milk shake or whatever it was down his throat for about a minute - I gotta say, you didn't do too much to earn your way here. I don't know whether to be happy or sad that you didn't live up to expectations. I mean, it could have been worse. Much worse.
So good luck on your flight from BWI to Preppyworld. Hopefully the folks on the flight end up being marginally OK with y'all being around (not that I'd sign up for it again, mind you).
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
---
AND FINALLY!!! (busy day)
Dear Dude Dressed up as The Joker on the Metro,
Dude ... what?
I know tomorrow is Halloween - but can I just tell you, you were going for the Joker look - yeah, you missed. Not like Tiger lipping out a 25-foot putt kind of missed ... I mean like Brant Brown dropping that fly ball vs. Milwaukee in the '98 divisional race to cost the Cubs a game kind of missed.
You were downright scary. You should have dressed up as like the bad guy for "Saw 6" or something, and it would have been less scary. There are little kids throughout the Metro system who are going to have nightmares tonight, and I feel for them. Poor kids. I've never seen so many people approach a Metro car only to see someone on it and all turn away. Maybe you're a decent person, I don't know, you probably are. And who doesn't like to dress up for Halloween.
But just give everybody a little bit of a warning next time, OK pal?
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Monday, October 29, 2007
A Rare Quiet Day
"So I gotta say, today was a good day," - Ice Cube.
Well, yes and no. I mean, there really isn't anyone to reference today. Although - I think, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think Mr. Annoying Coffee Slurping Man of Genius Guy sat next to me again on the MARC today.
Now, this could of course be disturbing on a number of levels, but I'll choose not to go that route for now. But the dude had the same characteristics - reading the paper, drinking his stupid coffee. But maybe he's read the blog or something, because there was no slurpage of his coffee this time, and he didn't chew the end of the coffee cup, which I think was what annoyed me more than anything else last time.
The morning Metro ride took a bit because there was a disabled train in front of us. For amusement, you should go to the Metro web site (www.wmata.com) and check out the daily service disruption reports that they post. Check out how many trains are taken out of service and/or delayed because of "door problems." This is one the news media need to get going on. I don't really know what the social significance of it is, or even the danger, but there's way too many trains suffering "door problems."
The trip home was unremarkable. Had to stand on the MARC because it was overcrowded, but the scenery was nice.
See how little comedy there is when people act normal? We can't have this.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Well, yes and no. I mean, there really isn't anyone to reference today. Although - I think, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think Mr. Annoying Coffee Slurping Man of Genius Guy sat next to me again on the MARC today.
Now, this could of course be disturbing on a number of levels, but I'll choose not to go that route for now. But the dude had the same characteristics - reading the paper, drinking his stupid coffee. But maybe he's read the blog or something, because there was no slurpage of his coffee this time, and he didn't chew the end of the coffee cup, which I think was what annoyed me more than anything else last time.
The morning Metro ride took a bit because there was a disabled train in front of us. For amusement, you should go to the Metro web site (www.wmata.com) and check out the daily service disruption reports that they post. Check out how many trains are taken out of service and/or delayed because of "door problems." This is one the news media need to get going on. I don't really know what the social significance of it is, or even the danger, but there's way too many trains suffering "door problems."
The trip home was unremarkable. Had to stand on the MARC because it was overcrowded, but the scenery was nice.
See how little comedy there is when people act normal? We can't have this.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Sunday, October 28, 2007
This Dude Done Lost the Plot
Dear Nut Job Mother ********er on the Metro,
Look, we all have problems in life. Lord knows I have my share right now. And sometimes, they are infuriating to no end. But no matter what dude, let me just hang this little piece of 411 on you ... violence isn't the answer!
So you'll understand the rest of the Metro car's concern/amusement/mixed with a little bewilderment when you stood up Friday afternoon and proclaimed that there was a woman getting paid to torment you. Dude, I didn't know you were Marv Albert. But seriously, some of us find a woman to torment us for free, usually unintentionally. But I dare say you perhaps carried it just a bit too far when you then proclaimed in a raised voice that you "should shoot every mother ********er in here," followed by a long pause, then adding, "that works for the FBI."
Now, I don't work for the FBI, so I wasn't particularly concerned that you were going to bust a cap in my ass. Hey, I watched X-Files, too, and I always thought Scully had a hotness about her. But maybe you feel differently. Hey, variety is the spice of life. But you'll forgive me and the other 12 people in the car that all skipped forward a car or two at the next stop. That way you could have your own little private tantrum and nobody would get hurt. I hope.
And maybe you should try a shot of the decaf.
Sorry. Shot. Maybe I should have used a different word. Little joke - don't kill me.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Look, we all have problems in life. Lord knows I have my share right now. And sometimes, they are infuriating to no end. But no matter what dude, let me just hang this little piece of 411 on you ... violence isn't the answer!
So you'll understand the rest of the Metro car's concern/amusement/mixed with a little bewilderment when you stood up Friday afternoon and proclaimed that there was a woman getting paid to torment you. Dude, I didn't know you were Marv Albert. But seriously, some of us find a woman to torment us for free, usually unintentionally. But I dare say you perhaps carried it just a bit too far when you then proclaimed in a raised voice that you "should shoot every mother ********er in here," followed by a long pause, then adding, "that works for the FBI."
Now, I don't work for the FBI, so I wasn't particularly concerned that you were going to bust a cap in my ass. Hey, I watched X-Files, too, and I always thought Scully had a hotness about her. But maybe you feel differently. Hey, variety is the spice of life. But you'll forgive me and the other 12 people in the car that all skipped forward a car or two at the next stop. That way you could have your own little private tantrum and nobody would get hurt. I hope.
And maybe you should try a shot of the decaf.
Sorry. Shot. Maybe I should have used a different word. Little joke - don't kill me.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Too Much Information
Dear Army Woman on the Train,
Hey ... it's great that your daughter is 14 years old, weighs 85 pounds, runs cross country and wants to go as a bowling ball for Halloween. It's also great that your son is 12 years old, hits the ball really hard off the center field wall and wants to be a professional baseball player. It's also great that you stepped in a hole and blew out your ankle, and you have to see your surgeon today. It's also great that you are in to scrapbooking, and I, too, was as surprised as you that the wife of the neighbor of the person sitting next to you on said train was into scrapbooking, but yet you didn't know her name. And here I thought scrapbooking was such a close community. It's also great that the boots you have to wear are really uncomfortable for the aforementioned ankle that you tore all to hell.
But hey, on the train, at 6:30 in the morning, the rest of us on said train probably don't want to hear about it.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Hey ... it's great that your daughter is 14 years old, weighs 85 pounds, runs cross country and wants to go as a bowling ball for Halloween. It's also great that your son is 12 years old, hits the ball really hard off the center field wall and wants to be a professional baseball player. It's also great that you stepped in a hole and blew out your ankle, and you have to see your surgeon today. It's also great that you are in to scrapbooking, and I, too, was as surprised as you that the wife of the neighbor of the person sitting next to you on said train was into scrapbooking, but yet you didn't know her name. And here I thought scrapbooking was such a close community. It's also great that the boots you have to wear are really uncomfortable for the aforementioned ankle that you tore all to hell.
But hey, on the train, at 6:30 in the morning, the rest of us on said train probably don't want to hear about it.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Have a Nice Trip, See You Next Fall
Dear Ms. Thang on the Metro,
Hey, it's great that it appears you keep yourself in pretty good shape for a 40-something. Given that, it defies explanation how you could sit in the middle of a pair of seats and be oblivious to the world around you on a crowded Metro car, when another younger woman using crutches is pretty much all but begging for a seat somewhere. But that's OK, because you must be special. So much so that you have a Secret Service escort that was well-hidden on the train, because it was clear, you are the shit!
You'll pardon me for snickering just the wee littlest of bits when you exited the train, tripped over someone's luggage and fell on your face. Hell, even the young lady on crutches could get around better than you.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Hey, it's great that it appears you keep yourself in pretty good shape for a 40-something. Given that, it defies explanation how you could sit in the middle of a pair of seats and be oblivious to the world around you on a crowded Metro car, when another younger woman using crutches is pretty much all but begging for a seat somewhere. But that's OK, because you must be special. So much so that you have a Secret Service escort that was well-hidden on the train, because it was clear, you are the shit!
You'll pardon me for snickering just the wee littlest of bits when you exited the train, tripped over someone's luggage and fell on your face. Hell, even the young lady on crutches could get around better than you.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
There's Polar Bears in the Mother F#%@% Metro!!!
Dear Washington Area Metro Transit Authority,
This morning was like any other morning. I was in the Union Station stop about 7:10, waiting to get into one of those moving tube things you have that goes underground and carries me to work.
Anyway, here's a thought. The next time you want to play loud big band music in one of your stations, and clear a path so four people dressed as polar bears dragging a wheelbarrow can get off an elevator and out to the street, DON'T DO IT IN MORNING RUSH HOUR!!
I mean, hey, I love polar bears. They're cool looking and they are massive creatures that deserve our respect. But they don't belong in a Metro station at 7:10 in the morning when people are about to be dragged to work against their will by your moving tube things.
And did you really need 8 security people for the 4 people dressed up as polar bears? Seriously - two people per fake bear? Hell, the Bears haven't had that kind of blocking since Gale Sayers retired.
What will be there this afternoon? Sixteen fake chimpanzees dancing to the theme from "Fame?"
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
This morning was like any other morning. I was in the Union Station stop about 7:10, waiting to get into one of those moving tube things you have that goes underground and carries me to work.
Anyway, here's a thought. The next time you want to play loud big band music in one of your stations, and clear a path so four people dressed as polar bears dragging a wheelbarrow can get off an elevator and out to the street, DON'T DO IT IN MORNING RUSH HOUR!!
I mean, hey, I love polar bears. They're cool looking and they are massive creatures that deserve our respect. But they don't belong in a Metro station at 7:10 in the morning when people are about to be dragged to work against their will by your moving tube things.
And did you really need 8 security people for the 4 people dressed up as polar bears? Seriously - two people per fake bear? Hell, the Bears haven't had that kind of blocking since Gale Sayers retired.
What will be there this afternoon? Sixteen fake chimpanzees dancing to the theme from "Fame?"
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Real Men of Genius: Mr. Dressed Up Coffee Slurping Annoying Guy
Dear Dude on the MARC Train,
Hey, everyone wants to have a seat when they get on the train - I can't hate on ya for that. And sure, if you want to take the open seat next to me, that's fine. I'm an accommodating kind of person (though the hot chick that took the next seat down would have been a better option for all involved - but anyhow). So ... I just wanted to write this friendly note to let you know that I thought it was great that you responded to getting said seat by then having about 35 pounds worth of baggage that you couldn't put anywhere, and decided to dump on me, and for the record, I thought the quizzical look you gave when I muttered, "What the ********?," was priceless. But then to top it off, since you just had to have that coffee this morning, you then had to slurp it for the entire 35 minute trip. That's great. Dude, you're like 40. Do you still chew with your mouth open, fart in public, and wipe your nose with your jeans? Oh, but you weren't done. No, sir, then there was the chewing on the edge of the cup itself - as if there wasn't enough coffee in it, so you had to get the residue that had built up from your own backwash! Classic.
I can't wait until you leave this world for the great commuter train in the sky. While your soul is elsewhere, I'll be spreading coffee grounds over the remnants of your hollowed-out skull.
You make it a great day!
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Hey, everyone wants to have a seat when they get on the train - I can't hate on ya for that. And sure, if you want to take the open seat next to me, that's fine. I'm an accommodating kind of person (though the hot chick that took the next seat down would have been a better option for all involved - but anyhow). So ... I just wanted to write this friendly note to let you know that I thought it was great that you responded to getting said seat by then having about 35 pounds worth of baggage that you couldn't put anywhere, and decided to dump on me, and for the record, I thought the quizzical look you gave when I muttered, "What the ********?," was priceless. But then to top it off, since you just had to have that coffee this morning, you then had to slurp it for the entire 35 minute trip. That's great. Dude, you're like 40. Do you still chew with your mouth open, fart in public, and wipe your nose with your jeans? Oh, but you weren't done. No, sir, then there was the chewing on the edge of the cup itself - as if there wasn't enough coffee in it, so you had to get the residue that had built up from your own backwash! Classic.
I can't wait until you leave this world for the great commuter train in the sky. While your soul is elsewhere, I'll be spreading coffee grounds over the remnants of your hollowed-out skull.
You make it a great day!
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
TMI, Part II
Dear Army Woman on the MARC Train,
You must have really liked my sweet letter of yesterday. That's the only reason I can think of why you returned to torture me for a second time today. Oh yeah - Army, torture, you probably don't like those words used in the same sentence. Sorry.
Anyway, I just want to say that it's great that we now all know that you suffer from Broken Tooth Syndrome. I hate when that happens. But hey, there's light at the end of the tunnel, since now we all know that your son's birthday is December 14, you have plenty of time to get your mouth fixed before having all the neighbors over for a Pin the Tail on the Annoyed MARC Rider party. I hope you like the slingshot I plan on getting your son for his birthday. I'm sure it will provide him with hours of fun around the house.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
You must have really liked my sweet letter of yesterday. That's the only reason I can think of why you returned to torture me for a second time today. Oh yeah - Army, torture, you probably don't like those words used in the same sentence. Sorry.
Anyway, I just want to say that it's great that we now all know that you suffer from Broken Tooth Syndrome. I hate when that happens. But hey, there's light at the end of the tunnel, since now we all know that your son's birthday is December 14, you have plenty of time to get your mouth fixed before having all the neighbors over for a Pin the Tail on the Annoyed MARC Rider party. I hope you like the slingshot I plan on getting your son for his birthday. I'm sure it will provide him with hours of fun around the house.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
All Nurses are Fat?
Dear Raw Food Woman on the MARC Train,
As if Quiet Car Dictator wasn't enough, then there's you. Look, I'm not one for long conversations on the Quiet Car. All I want to do is sleep. But admittedly that can be difficult when the car is as packed as it was yesterday. But anyway - it was wonderful that you were so interested in the book the other person to our right was reading. That's cool, whatever. And I didn't mind our short exchange about what I did for a living. Fine. Whatever. In retrospect, I should have told you I was a stuntman for midgets.
But see, here's what I don't like. What I don't like is you then finding out where I work, and proceeding to preach to me about how the folks here don't know what they're doing, don't know what they're talking about and that nurses shouldn't be talking to people about trying to care for their Diabetes, and educating them on this horrible disease - based on your premise that all nurses are fat. ******** you and the raw squid you rode in on. I'm not going to go learn about eating raw food to cure diseases, and I don't care about the unhealthy levels of unhealthyness in my Diet Pepsi - and when I tried to gracefully and politely to exit the conversation by asking, "Hey, how 'bout those Red Sox?," it was rhetorical and I really didn't care to know that you grew up not liking baseball.
Now you'll forgive me, I'm sure, if I step aside for a few moments and flame-broil something for dinner.
And looking back, you probably have some moral objection to midget stuntman, too, so the next time I see you on the train, I'm going to run.
Maybe my favorite Army Woman can kick your ass with her one good ankle.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
As if Quiet Car Dictator wasn't enough, then there's you. Look, I'm not one for long conversations on the Quiet Car. All I want to do is sleep. But admittedly that can be difficult when the car is as packed as it was yesterday. But anyway - it was wonderful that you were so interested in the book the other person to our right was reading. That's cool, whatever. And I didn't mind our short exchange about what I did for a living. Fine. Whatever. In retrospect, I should have told you I was a stuntman for midgets.
But see, here's what I don't like. What I don't like is you then finding out where I work, and proceeding to preach to me about how the folks here don't know what they're doing, don't know what they're talking about and that nurses shouldn't be talking to people about trying to care for their Diabetes, and educating them on this horrible disease - based on your premise that all nurses are fat. ******** you and the raw squid you rode in on. I'm not going to go learn about eating raw food to cure diseases, and I don't care about the unhealthy levels of unhealthyness in my Diet Pepsi - and when I tried to gracefully and politely to exit the conversation by asking, "Hey, how 'bout those Red Sox?," it was rhetorical and I really didn't care to know that you grew up not liking baseball.
Now you'll forgive me, I'm sure, if I step aside for a few moments and flame-broil something for dinner.
And looking back, you probably have some moral objection to midget stuntman, too, so the next time I see you on the train, I'm going to run.
Maybe my favorite Army Woman can kick your ass with her one good ankle.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Taking the Quiet Car a Bit Too Seriously ...
Dear Quiet Car Dictator on the MARC Train,
Yo bro, I can see where you were coming from yesterday afternoon. It had been a long day at work, the 5:20 train was crowded because somehow the geniuses at MARC lost half their equipment for the 4:46 train so people couldn't get on it. And yeah, I know, there's a question there about how you lose train equipment. Maybe it got lost in that famed New Carrollton, Seabrook, Silver Spring Triangle thing. I don't know. But anyway - given that the train was crowded and both you and I were fortunate enough to find seats, it should have come to your attention - quiet car or not - that there would be folks standing in the middle. AND ... this was on the single-level car, where there are no hand rail things in the middle for people to hold on to if they are caught standing.
So let me just say, that when the two nice women that were caught standing in the aisle between our seats becuase they couldn't find one - the right thing to do would have been to at least offer one of them your seat (but lay off the blonde, I saw her first). The proper way to handle the situation was NOT to let me ask them if one of them would have liked to sit down (they politely declined, but that's not the point), then pipe up with "DO YOU KNOW THIS IS THE QUIET CAR?" ... Hey, do you know you're an asshole? (to borrow a famous Eritrean saying). I wish I could have taken a picture of the look the two women gave you. But then, I bet you've seen that look a lot from women, so maybe you didn't need the Polaroid.
You'll forgive me I'm sure for snickering under my breath when Dude next to the two women standing in the aisle, who was chowing down on BBQ, cole slaw and a biscuit from God knows where while the train was moving, reached up above yo head to get his water from out of his bag and dumped food on you. Had you been standing, and the lady been sitting, you could have seen the accident coming, knocked the food away like the Bulls going apeshit on Charles Smith in the playoffs a few years back, and saved the girl from getting food on her blouse - and you would have been a hero not once but twice.
But nope, like the Red Bulls with a 10-point lead, you ********ed it up. Nice going.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Yo bro, I can see where you were coming from yesterday afternoon. It had been a long day at work, the 5:20 train was crowded because somehow the geniuses at MARC lost half their equipment for the 4:46 train so people couldn't get on it. And yeah, I know, there's a question there about how you lose train equipment. Maybe it got lost in that famed New Carrollton, Seabrook, Silver Spring Triangle thing. I don't know. But anyway - given that the train was crowded and both you and I were fortunate enough to find seats, it should have come to your attention - quiet car or not - that there would be folks standing in the middle. AND ... this was on the single-level car, where there are no hand rail things in the middle for people to hold on to if they are caught standing.
So let me just say, that when the two nice women that were caught standing in the aisle between our seats becuase they couldn't find one - the right thing to do would have been to at least offer one of them your seat (but lay off the blonde, I saw her first). The proper way to handle the situation was NOT to let me ask them if one of them would have liked to sit down (they politely declined, but that's not the point), then pipe up with "DO YOU KNOW THIS IS THE QUIET CAR?" ... Hey, do you know you're an asshole? (to borrow a famous Eritrean saying). I wish I could have taken a picture of the look the two women gave you. But then, I bet you've seen that look a lot from women, so maybe you didn't need the Polaroid.
You'll forgive me I'm sure for snickering under my breath when Dude next to the two women standing in the aisle, who was chowing down on BBQ, cole slaw and a biscuit from God knows where while the train was moving, reached up above yo head to get his water from out of his bag and dumped food on you. Had you been standing, and the lady been sitting, you could have seen the accident coming, knocked the food away like the Bulls going apeshit on Charles Smith in the playoffs a few years back, and saved the girl from getting food on her blouse - and you would have been a hero not once but twice.
But nope, like the Red Bulls with a 10-point lead, you ********ed it up. Nice going.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
Grapefruit?
Dear Dude with the Grapefruit on the MARC Train,
OK like, seriously, first of all - the only person I've ever seen eat grapefruit consistently and on purpose was my grandmother. My grandmother is 84, can barely walk and has watched the same soap opera for 37 years. Do you want to end up like that? And yo, let's rap a minute dude. Grapefruit, on the mother ********ing train? Are you kidding? But hey, everyone has to get their protein, or vitamins, or iron, or whatever the ******** you get out of a grapefruit. But straight up, do you need to suck down the grapefruity goodness with every bite? I'd seriously rather listen to the Samoans chew a $2 steak then whatever the hell vile things you were doing to that grapefruit.
So, no, it should come as no surprise that I got up and moved to another car. You, sir, are a sick individual, and someone that I don't think any of our kids should be exposed to. Seriously, what's next? A mango? A tangerine? A pear?
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
OK like, seriously, first of all - the only person I've ever seen eat grapefruit consistently and on purpose was my grandmother. My grandmother is 84, can barely walk and has watched the same soap opera for 37 years. Do you want to end up like that? And yo, let's rap a minute dude. Grapefruit, on the mother ********ing train? Are you kidding? But hey, everyone has to get their protein, or vitamins, or iron, or whatever the ******** you get out of a grapefruit. But straight up, do you need to suck down the grapefruity goodness with every bite? I'd seriously rather listen to the Samoans chew a $2 steak then whatever the hell vile things you were doing to that grapefruit.
So, no, it should come as no surprise that I got up and moved to another car. You, sir, are a sick individual, and someone that I don't think any of our kids should be exposed to. Seriously, what's next? A mango? A tangerine? A pear?
Signed,
Marc D. Rider
The Week That Was ...
... And now, let's take a look at some of the more interesting occurrences from the last week. Yes, just the last week. These will almost always appear in letter form, as if speaking to the subject of the comedy, annoyance, threat, whatever applies. Enjoy as we go through them.
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?
... And if you've asked that question above, you're probably wondering what this is.
This is the MARC of the Hooligans blog. It's dedicated to one simple person's experiences on the daily commute involving both the MARC line (for those unaware - a commuter train line serving Maryland between Baltimore and Washington) and Washington's Metro rail system. I take this 4 to 5 days a week. And after writing a few things up (mainly for comic purposes) on another site, the idea was born to turn it into a blog.
The events to follow are real with some jokes added. It's amazing what you see if your eyes are open. And before you make an idiot of yourself - remember, someone might be watching.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider.
This is the MARC of the Hooligans blog. It's dedicated to one simple person's experiences on the daily commute involving both the MARC line (for those unaware - a commuter train line serving Maryland between Baltimore and Washington) and Washington's Metro rail system. I take this 4 to 5 days a week. And after writing a few things up (mainly for comic purposes) on another site, the idea was born to turn it into a blog.
The events to follow are real with some jokes added. It's amazing what you see if your eyes are open. And before you make an idiot of yourself - remember, someone might be watching.
Signed,
Marc D. Rider.
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